TW: miscarriages, pregnancy loss, infant loss

Today is the day little one. Today is the day that you were supposed to be born.

Unfortunately, that didn’t happen. It was not your fault or mine. It was all because the cells didn’t form right. But I am sad. I’m sad that I didn’t get to see you through to birth. I am sad as I approach your due date that all the things I was planning to happen aren’t happening.

We were going to celebrate Christmas at our house just in case you decided to come early. I was going to be too big and too far along to travel anyway. But those plans were swept away with you.

I bought a onesie for you to wear home saying “My sister has paws” because, well, she does. But now that onesie sits inside a bag with my maternity clothes, the ones I stupidly bought in haste, tucked away in my closet.

Today came as the days grew close I could feel the dread. All I want to do is cry but it is Christmas season and you’re supposed to be selfless. But this year I don’t have the motivation to make people happy. I’m not happy. I’m not happy you didn’t make it. I’m not happy that I lost you.

I’m sorry, little one. Today you were supposed to join us. I was going to hold you in my arms and made you feel safe.

I’ll always hold you in my heart, you took that place the minute yours stopped.

Emi Sano is a self-published author of “Voices: a short story collection” and YA novella “We Don’t Talk About That.” She freelances as a writer/blogger.

Emi Sano is a self-published author of “Voices: a short story collection” and YA novella “We Don’t Talk About That.” She freelances as a writer/blogger.