Thoughts on becoming a stay at home mom.

I did it. I made the decision to stay at home. In the days leading up to my baby being born, I was dead set on returning to work and being a working mom. I wanted to leave my duty as a mom and go to work to be around adults.

Then I had my baby and I stayed home with him for three months. When it was time go to back to work I was excited, but that lasted briefly. After a week of working I started to feel sad. I didn’t like going into work. All I could think about was what was going on with my baby and was I missing anything? I felt like every day something new happened and when I came home he was a completely different baby. It made me sad. Every morning when I left for work I nearly cried.

I hated pumping during lunch. I hated getting texts from my husband that the baby was being difficult and asking if I could leave early. I was sad seeing him hold his own bottle through a video. I had missed his first laugh. This was all things I didn’t realize would bother me so much; it definitely did.

So, after being back at work for two months, I decided I would quit. It was a hard decision because I had established rapport with my coworkers and my company. I was making plans to work on different projects, but those plans were not moving fast enough and I really wanted something I could do from home. I wanted to spend as much time with my baby as I could and this going to work thing was getting in the way.

I wanted to do what I went to school for anyway (writing). I had already self-published two books. I knew how to put the work in, and I could do it again. I just needed time. As my baby would grow to be more independent, I would find extra time to sit at the computer and type out a few sentences. I’m even frantically writing this out during his nap. I wasn’t really supposed to be working in retail again. I made a point to stop when we did our final move. I was working in the film industry but then projects kept falling through and I wasn’t getting paid. So I took a step back into retail and have been there for a couple years. It was time for me to go back to what I was meant to do.

But a part of me felt guilty. Not all moms get to do what I’m doing. Not all moms get to stay home with their babies and raise them while they have the support of their spouse. Was I making the right decision? Would we be financially okay if I stopped working? Would I regret my decision to leave the workforce? All of these doubts flood into my head, then I look over and see my baby smiling at me; they go away.

I know I’m being selfish, but let me be selfish and watch my baby grow.

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Emi Sano is a self-published author of “Voices: a short story collection” and YA novella “We Don’t Talk About That.” She freelances as a writer/blogger.

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Emi Sano

Emi Sano

Emi Sano is a self-published author of “Voices: a short story collection” and YA novella “We Don’t Talk About That.” She freelances as a writer/blogger.

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